How to Escape Your Life
by 800M23
Summary: This is what happens when heroes get tired of party after party. They make sure you never invite them again. First Fic. All comments welcome. Rated T for alcohol use and language.
1. Chapter 1

**How to Escape Your Life**

**Chapter 1:**

_The problem_

Star Fox was a team of heroes. They were renowned across the system for their deeds. Ever since their victory against the aparaoids the public insisted that they live the rest of their lives in absolute splendor for having saved the lives of not only all the people on Corneria, but everyone in the Lylat system. This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't mean that Fox and his friends were constantly smothered by adoring fans, congratulating military figures, and the ever present, rude, prying paparazzi. Not only did they not have any breathing room, but they didn't even get a say in the matter.

"God. If I have to see one more frickin' camera flash before I fall asleep tonight, I WILL chuck it at the reporter that dares to try takin' another picture."

"Falco, calm down. There isn't anyway for them to get into our hotel rooms right now. We're on the twelfth floor with a locked door and blackout blinds over the windows." Fox couldn't deny it though. He had been sorely tempted to beat that last reporter's ass.

_Who do they think they are asking personal questions like that? I wouldn't feel comfortable answering that on TV even if Krystal __**was**__ my girlfriend. Oh, if only._ His cheeks burned a little at the memory of a journalist asking Fox if he and Krystal had gone past first base yet. Before Fox had been able to say anything to the idiot, Krystal had dragged him off, knowing full well that he would most likely just stutter and embarrass himself in front of the whole of Corneria. His thoughts drifted even as the object of his thoughts entered the room.

"If only **what, **Fox?" Krystal loved playing with him this way. Reading his emotions was so easy she didn't even need her telepathic powers most times. When she did though, it always produced good results. Fox was never very articulate when he was taken off guard. This time was apparently no different.

"Krystal! Uhm.. I just meant, Uh… that, if uhm. If only I could…uhm.. you know, er." _God that power is a blessing and a frikking curse! _Fox mentally beat himself up while he struggled for an answer. The whole time Falco watched from behind, made eye contact with Krystal, who winked, and then returned his gaze towards the window he had been looking out. As Fox stuttered on, Krystal's grin grew larger. She had heard the whole thought, but this was to amusing to ignore.

_He's so cute when he's like this. It's too bad he's to shy to do anything about those feelings of his. I might just have to push a little harder. I would if I weren't so damn tired from that last ceremony._ The night had been spent at a feast where several important people gave long speeches and presented the team with another award. Just like the previous night, the night before that, and the night before that.

Fortunately for Fox, Slippy's arrival spared him from having to explain himself any further. The green toad slowly plodded in and collapsed on the bed.

"Boy, am I glad to be out of there. That was a nightmare! All those lights dried out my skin! I can't keep doing this you guys. It's taking too much out of me." His squeaky voice made everyone cringe for a moment as they adjusted. As much as Slippy was their friend, he still had his faults, even if he couldn't help them.

"Well, as sympathetic as we all are Slip, we don't really have a choice. I've tried asking Peppy to get the press to leave us alone, and to let everyone know we're busy. I thought that with his new position as General he'd be able to do something, but he says there isn't anything he can do. He actually ended up giving me a list of all the planned events that we still have to go to. We have to go to Aquas in a week. They have about seven celebrations planned there. Fichina only has two, thank God. Katina and Sauria have five parties planned each, and even Venom is going to throw something now that relations with them are getting better. At the rate things are going, I'll be surprised if I don't receive an invitation from Wolf saying 'You are all cordially invited to the Sargasso Space Station for a banquet in your honor.'"

This got the team to chuckle a little, even if they realized that their circumstances were looking pretty bleak at the moment.

"But Foxie, we ain't entirely without influence ourselves are we? We could just, I don't know, bop some reporter on the head till they get the idea that we don't do "house calls" anymore? Even if it didn't work, it might be fun."

"Falco! I may not have been on the team as long as you, but even I know you're going about this all wrong! You don't take **A **reporter and beat him up. You take **several **reporters and beat them up."

"Although I admit that this would be really enjoyable, I think we should get some sleep. We have to do this all over again tomorrow. If you don't want to fall asleep in the middle of the ceremony, then we should probably go to bed now. If one of us does, it isn't like they'd kick us out though. We are too famous for a little thing like that to get us off the hook." As the team moved towards their separate parts of the room, they all let out a groan of discomfort. They had been on their feet for several hours. Each of them had been required to give a speech on behalf of the team. That, and several other speakers had decided to be very longwinded about their gratitude towards the team's efforts. As they all lay down, Slippy suddenly jumped up, startling everyone.

"Wait a minute that's it!" His voice reached a peak thought unreachable. "Fox you're a genius!"

"Bloody hell Slippy! You landed on my foot! You're not the lightest of creatures you know." she growled.

"Sorry, sorry, but this might actually work!"

"Slip-up, shut the hell up, or explain what you're talking about, but don't just keep us all in the dark while we wait for you to finish rambling." Falco was more irritable than the rest. He'd been up since the day before because a reporter had managed to climb through the window to take pictures of the team sleeping. Thankfully, the blackout shades had taken care of that.

"Fox said that falling asleep wouldn't be enough to get us kicked out. So we need to do something that _**IS **_enough. Something so bad that we won't be invited to anymore parties or ceremonies or celebrations, but not something bad enough to get people to hate us." he squeaked

Fox sat there, dead silent as he contemplated all the possibilities of this idea. They could actually never have to worry about being stuck at another one of these stupid ceremonies. But if it didn't work, then they'd have embarrassed themselves all for nothing, which would be brought up at every future ceremony they went to. But would that really be any worse?

"Slippy, this just might work, but what specifically are you thinking?"

"What we'll do, is bring in a lot of alcohol. A lot. As in more than Falco has ever bragged of."

"Hey!"

"Well you do brag a lot."

"Because I can! I have drank that much!"

"Uh huh. Sure."

"I have!"

"Right."

"You don't believe me?"

"Nope."

"Irrelevant." Fox cut in. "Slippy, please continue."

"So we get really drunk, we say and do some really embarrassing things, and no one ever wants at a public gathering like this again!"

"We can make it even better and invite Star Wolf for a drunken brawl. I'd like to see how much liquor that lizard can hold." Said Falco smugly.

"I don't want to know what Panther is like drunk, especially around me. He's bad enough as it is."

At the thought of a drunken Panther trying to flirt with Krystal, Fox's temperature jumped a few degrees. He started chewing his lower lip. Krystal noticed this.

"Hey, you with us?" she inquired.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Sorry about that." Krystal just laughed. He loved that sound. "Anyways, yeah. I like where this is going. It's short, simple, and effective. Step one: Bring lots of booze. Step two: Get totally shitfaced. Step three: Never go to a party again, unless we're running it. Let's do it."

_**A/N:**_

_**Hey. So let me know how this is so far. I'm new to this, so if anybody notices any large mistakes go ahead and point them out. Even flames are welcome. Thank you.**_

_**800M23**_


	2. Chapter 2

**How to Escape Your Life**

**Chapter 2:**

_The Party_

The team looked around the hall they were sitting in. The amount of space in the building was almost intimidating, not to mention expensive looking. Everywhere he looked Fox could see some "exquisite" work of art or some fancy chandelier. This place was definitely for those people who were "on the up and up". This wasn't exactly the most calming thing to notice since in only a little bit he would have absolutely no control over his actions, and that might mean lots of broken glass chandeliers.

"I don't know guys. I'm starting to have second thoughts here. I mean look at this place! We could get in a lot of trouble for doing this." said Slippy.

"Slip, this was your idea anyways, and it isn't like we can really back out now. We already dragged these things with us." stated Falco, pointing to the large coolers sitting behind him. "Besides, I thought the whole point **was **to get into trouble?"

"Well yeah! But I didn't mean that we should do it in a place where if one of knocks over a fifty thousand credit vase that we would end up paying for out of our team fund!"

"Slippy, calm down. Anything in here we could pay for several times over with our funds. It isn't like we're on the verge of bankruptcy after the aparoid invasion." chided Krystal. Fox smiled to himself, even though the comment hadn't been for his benefit.

_Always knows just what to say._

"And just what are **you **smiling at? Don't forget, you need to be even more drunk than the rest of us. It does even more damage to our public image when the leader is drunk." she said turning to Fox who had accidentally been staring the whole time without noticing.

"Uhm... j-just, I" _I was just thinking about how nice it would be to bring you somewhere this fancy, but without these two losers. _Fox thought wistfully, which left him completely unprepared for the other voice that came into his head.

_**Really? And why would you want to do that? Hmm?**_

_D'oh, shit. I'll never get used to that. _ he thought.

"Hey! Will you two stop flirting and grab a drink? We need to get this started if we're gonna do it at all." interrupted Falco.

Krystal flashed Fox one last sly smile before turning to the coolers to grab a large bottle of unmarked alcohol.

"Hey, hey, Krystal you **know **what that **is** right? That's vodka! That's some strong shit!" Falco warned wide eyed.

"Yeah. I know."

"You sure you can hold that? That stuff gets to you fast, you know. We don't need you passing out quite yet."

"I think I can handle it. Maybe you should go worry about Slip-up over there." said Krystal with a knowing grin. She wasn't joking. As Falco turned around he saw that Slippy was already looking a little buzzed from the one bottle of beer he had had. As he ran to go help the slightly inebriated frog, Fox walked up to the cooler and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels.

"Well, down the rabbit hole we go I guess." he muttered. He took a swig and felt the gold liquid pour down his throat. It burned a little, but wasn't too bad. Fox wasn't an alcoholic but he'd drank his fair share of it in his life. He knew that one swig wouldn't drain the whole bottle, but it made a sizable dent in the amount left, even though that wouldn't make him drunk quite yet. Thankfully not too many people had shown up yet. The only ones who were there so far were the staff, their team, a few "important" business people who's names Fox never did bother to remember, and the band that would be playing tonight. He had a little bit of time before he had to put step two of the plan into full effect.

"Well, time to put step two of 'Operation Bubble water' into effect I guess. Let's get totally shitfaced." Sighed Falco, grabbing his own bottle of Jack Daniels. It had been a favorite of both of theirs since the academy. As he downed about a third of his bottle in one draught a loud crash was heard.

"SIR! THAT VASE WAS LIKE, FIFTY THOUSAND CREDITS! THAT'S GOING TO COME OUT OF YOUR TEAM FUNDS!" screamed a waiter who was standing near a highly intoxicated Slippy and the remains of a very expensive flower pot that no one ever really cared about anyway except for the people who had bought it.

"Relaaaaax m-man. I don't think that we gots ta, *hic* gots ta, ya know, make a big deal outta thisr anythin'!" At that moment, Krystal came up and dragged Slippy away from the waiter, who was now so angry that he was failing to form whole words. Fox saw that almost half of her bottle was gone already. He decided that it might be best to catch up to where the rest of his team was on the public intoxication scale. He took a long sip of his own drink.

People were starting to arrive to the party. Military figures, famous TV celebrities, more business people, and a few athletes were their. The band had started to play. They were playing lots of slow jazz music. It fit the evening well. Everyone was just starting to get comfortable at a table when the night's spokesperson walked up to the podium. He was a short grey dog who looked so happy that he might fall over. To think, Star Fox at **his **event! He was going to gain so much fame from this. He tapped a knife against a champagne glass he was holding.

"Attention! If I could have your attention ladies and gentlemen? Thank you. Tonight we are here to celebrate our victory over the scourge of the aparoids, and the heroes who brought us this victory, Star Fox!"

There was a polite smattering of applause, and then Krystal stood up on her table.

"Yeah! Go us! We kicked those arseholes in the balllz!" She started to laugh and then stumbled back into her seat. No one knew how to take this, and so everyone just looked at each other and stayed quiet. The security details looked just as confused. Normally a person would have to be escorted out for something like that, but they couldn't very well kick out the people they came here to celebrate.

The dog giving the speech looked nervous now. What could he say after that?

"Uhm, yes well. Quite. Anyways, yes, we have come to honor team Star Fox for their accomplishments. They have repeatedly saved our system, and this time was no exception. They are the very incarnation of the spirit and drive of Corneria. They have exemplified what it means to be heroes, and for that, I thank them." Another round of applause went up. It was quieter than last time, as some expected another outburst from Krystal. She looked about ready to, but the dog started talking again. "As such, Star Fox has earned an award that few can say they have earned. The Cornerian Hero Plaque!" As he said this, a large golden plaque was brought on stage next to the dog. "This plaque has only been earned by three previous persons. Those three were the late General Pepper, for his brave sacrifice in this fight, and both of Star Fox's own Fox McCloud's parents. Vixy for her enormous contributions to the Cornerian Relief Effort for Disasters and James for, well you all know that I'm sure!" The audience all laughed quietly at this. Of course they knew, who didn't?

The speaker seemed confident that things would proceed smoothly now despite the speed bump of Krystal's outburst. "I have done enough talking for the moment. Let us hear from Star Fox's own ace pilot Falco Lombardi who has prepared a small speech. In my opinion, you are all heroes!"

"Oh yeah I gots a speech for ya fella." muttered the wasted pilot before rising from his seat and walking to the stage with his hands raised above his head. He walked with surprising coordination for someone with so much alcohol in their system. As he reached the podium the audience were all clapping, and two foxes and a frog were cheering and whistling. They knew that this could get interesting.

"Yeah, yeah, thank you for all those kind words and all that shit Mr. Speaker. Look, I'm not known as the best speech writer in the world, so I'll just say this about your opinion about us being heroes" the avian managed to get out while struggling not to laugh "Opinions are like assholes; everyone's got one, and no one wants yours. So either treat us like heroes or drop the bullshit. Let's get this party started!" As he ended this last remark, he downed the last of the contents of his bottle and pulled out another. The hall was dead silent. That is, except for the laughter coming from the two tables containing the mercenaries from the team of heroes.

The Speaker rose back up to the stand. He was clearly shaken. This was supposed to be the night that rocketed him to a higher status! He had the most famous celebrities ever in his building! Where would it all go from here? (If only he knew, am I right?)

"Well, I-I guess I am not the first one to say it, but yes, go ahead now, disperse, mingle, converse, and other synonyms of this. Enjoy tonight. Thank you." There was a loud applause from the sober part of the audience. No one was more relieved than the dog himself though. Now he didn't have to deal with the aftermath of this fiasco. He immediately pulled out his wrist communicator. He dialed the number for his agent. "Yes Roger? Get me out of this job in five minutes. I have a feeling it's all going to go down hill. And liquidate all my stock in anything to do with Star Fox. I'm getting out while I still can."

_**A/N: Yes I am alive! I know, it's been awhile, but I had finals, then I was away from a working computer for like a week, then I had this beta read, so sorry for the long wait. That won't happen with the next one I promise. A'ight I'm done here. FOR NOW. PARTY'S FAR FROM OVER.**_

_**- 800M23.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**How to Escape Your Life**

**Chapter 2: part deuce!**

_The Proverbial Lampshade on the Head_

As soon as the agitated canine had said to the whole crowd started to get up and walk around the tables to meet one another. Many were interested in meeting and thanking the famous Star Fox team, but they didn't get the opportunity as all but their famous leader had already gotten off to some unknown location. This left Fox though, and most guests were more than happy to meet him alone.

Unfortunately for them, he was the only one left because he wasn't exactly able to run at the moment. It would have required too much coordination from someone as drunk as him.

"Mr. McCloud sir! Mr. McCloud! It's such an honor to meet you sir!"

"Mr. McCloud! I just want to thank you for what you and your team have done for this system!"

"Yeah, you and every *hic* everyone else man. Join the club, we got jackets." laughed the mercenary.

At this, most of the onlookers paused. Some decided that this was just the famous vulpine's way of getting a laugh and so like the kiss asses they were, laughed along with him.

"Fox McCloud! Sir! Would you mind telling us one of your war stories?" asked one admirer. Fox turned towards him, an avid looking young rabbit.

"Sure, sure, just sicherself down. I'll tell ya as story." Fox looked away from his mass of admirers to the ceiling in a nostalgic manner. The fans huddled in closer to him, eager to hear the hero's tale.

"We were on Fichina. All of us were just standin' around. Falco and Bill were talkin' to each other, bitchin' about the cold, hopin' to see some action." he started.

"What was it like on Fichina?" interrupted one of the audience of his story.

"Uhhm. It was cold?"

"What else?"

"Dude, it's a planet made o' fuckin' ice. It's really fuckin' cold." snapped Fox. "Now anyways as I was sayin'. I was talking to little Slippy. He was telling me all about this girl he had back home. Everything was all going fine until Krystal showed up. I realized something was going on when I heard Bill start screamin' bloody murder. I can still hear him now. 'BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!'."

At this point, his crowd was starting to look at each other. What was all this he was talking about?

"The whole thing was over before it even started. Slippy was the last to go. Krys ripped his skull out and beat him to death with it." he finished solemnly. Fox hung his head and for a minute, no one said anything until an owl stepped forward from the rest of the admirers.

"Wait, 'ripped his skull out and beat him to death with it'? That doesn't seem physically possible." stated the avian skeptically. He was rather surprised however when the vulpine jumped up with bottle in hand, eyes wide, and a finger pointing straight in the owl's face.

"**That's just what Slippy said.**" As Fox exclaimed this last point, the whole buildings attendance turned towards the bar that had been set up for guests where a loud, keening screech had been heard. Krystal had taken the bottle of Skull Tequila that Slippy had been carrying and appeared to be beating him to death with it. The young amphibian managed to blurt out one sentence.

"HOW IS THIS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE?" yelled Slippy, just before he passed out.

A guard, a large bull, walked up to the scene. As Krystal fell back, he managed to catch her and prevent the same thing from happening to her.

"Ma'am? Would you like me to toss him out for you?"

"Naww." giggled the inebriated vixen. "He's my friend. It'ssall good."

The guard looked questioningly at her. If this was one of her friends, then how drunk was she? He decided he'd rather not know. Unfortunately for him, it was his job to find out.

"Ma'am, I'm going to need you to blow into this." he said producing a hand held breathalyzer.

"Among other things, I'm sure." Krystal smiled at the guard in a way that made him feel very uncomfortable. He was pretty sure he knew how that breathalyzer would come out if she was making all these sorts of comments. And sure enough, she blew a .20. That was twelve percent over the legal limit.

"Ma'am." started the bull. His eyes were wide at this sight. "I have to say, while I am seriously impressed with the fact that you are still standing, you are too drunk to be here right now. I have to detain you until authorities can arrive."

"Hey screw you fuzz. You ain't takin me, bitch. I'm Krystal from the Star Fox team! You're gonna need a lot more than a couple policemen to take this in!"

"We actually have some contacts you may be familiar with. They're on their way now, all three of them."

"Well go ahead!" she shouted. "Bring you're mates on! I've been wantin' a scrap since I started drinkin'!"

Back across the room however, Falco was exploring the building. He'd run out of Jack Daniel's and there wasn't anything left in the cooler. Fox was already drunk, Slippy was out for the night, and he hadn't had more than this bottle, a bit of Krystal's vodka, and a bottle of Guinness on the way here, so that meant Krystal was the most hammered out of all of them. It surprised the intoxicated pilot that she was outstripping them all so fast in this area.

"Woman drinks this shit like it was milk." he muttered to himself.

The bar was closing because of the way the team was acting. They didn't want to add to the panic that was ensuing, so Falco hadn't been able to buy anything else there. He knew, though, that this building had a wine cellar. If he could just find that…

Fox had gotten bored of keeping his fans entertained. He wanted to have fun. This was a party right? Where was the fun? His eyes slowly cast about the room from his vantage point of on top of his table. What had most people interested however was that the mercenary had moved his table on top of another table, and then onto another table, which he then climbed and screamed "I am King of this mountain!" before pushing an old hedgehog off the top and lying down, hence coming to the position he was in now.

Then his gaze rested upon something.

_Of course. That's what everyone does when they're drunk. I bet that's what makes this whole thing fun!_

Fox got up to his feet, and then looked down at the animals standing below him. He glared at them menacingly.

"By order of the king of this mountain, SEAT CHECK!" he shouted before dashing off to the other side of the hall towards his prize. An old fashion lamp with a shade on it. He wanted that lampshade. He knew when he put on that lampshade that everything would pan out. Guests and dignitaries were bowled over left and right as he dashed between the tables. How he was able to stay so coordinated while he was so drunk was beyond anyone's understanding.

At last, he reached his destination. He reached forward to claim the object in front of him. As his paws made contact with the rim of the shade, a smile formed upon his face. He lifted it high above his head and laughed. This was truly a crown befitting a king!

Now that he had his crown, he needed a ceremony. But a ceremony needed music. He scratched his chin as he tried to think of how to solve this problem. Then he had an idea. He turned slowly to the podium the speaker had started this whole celebration with. Behind it there was a band of slow jazz musicians. He had a plan.

Falco was in the basement of the building. These hallways had seemed to go on forever, but he knew if he persevered, he would find what he was looking for. He had been right too. His determination paid off as he rounded another corner. The door was labeled, so all the easier for the wasted bird. As he opened the door he gasped.

"Only one barrel left." he breathed. Falco fell to his knees and started crying. He lifted his head toward the ceiling.

"Thank you God. I thank you for the fortune you have given me. I love you man. You're my best friend." He stood up. This room was small. Gravel covered the floor. There were no shelves around the walls. It looked as though this barrel sitting in the corner of this dimly lit cell was all there had been for a long time. He walked over to it and tried to lift it. As he did so he felt several things pop in his back. He laid it on its side and tried to roll it. It was still too heavy.

"Well I know one way to make this lighter." Falco laughed a little as he bent over and unscrewed the cork on the top of the barrel. Red wine began to gush out. He quickly placed his mouth over the opening to prevent too much from going to waste. After about a minute of gulping he came up for air and lay down by the side of the barrel. Looking around the room, he noticed a door that he hadn't seen before. Thankfully, it was labeled as well.

"Backstage." Falco read. He took another draught of the leaking alcohol. The barrel was much lighter now that a fair amount of its contents were spilled on the floor or in the bloodstream of the avian leaning on it. Falco capped the barrel with the cork and began to roll it towards the door.

Meanwhile, Fox had gotten up on the stage. This party needed some better music. It needed to be livened up. He had a plan though to fix all of his problems here. The band here had all the right equipment too. There was a guitarist, a saxophone, a bass player, a drum set and a microphone. This was all just what he needed.

"Hey you! Yeah you, buddy! With the mic! I need to *hic* need to talk to you for a second!" The gold feathered finch standing at the microphone turned around suddenly. What was Fox McCloud doing on stage? And…..wearing a lampshade?

"Do you think you'd mind if I sang a song up here? Just one. I'm sure the rest of your group knows it." Fox slurred.

The finch was barely able to stammer his response of "I-I guess so." before the vulpine had snatched the microphone from him. As he did so, a door at the back of the stage burst open and a blue falcon rolling a barrel of wine staggered on stage.

"AYYYY! Falco! I haven't seen you in, like, forever man! How ya been?"

"Dude," chuckled the avian. "Dude, I'm doing what Peppy has always been trying to get us to do!" He slumped to the floor, letting the barrel escape him as his captain gave him a quizzical look. He pointed to the run away barrel. "I'm doin' a barrel roll man!" At this Fox broke down.

"PEPPY! WHY DID YOU LEAVE US? WHY?" he sputtered. The band simply sat there, watching the show as the mercenary broke into tears and his ace pilot stumbled over, still chuckling, to comfort him.

"Come on man, it'll all be alright. And maybe it won't, but then it won't matter, 'cause we'll all be dead! So cheer up!"

"HE WAS SO YOUNG! HE HAD SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!" wailed Fox

"No he wasn't aaaand no he didn't. He's in a better place now anyways." Fox dried his eyes.

"Manhattan?"

"Where'sa fuck'sat at?" asked Falco, who was now thoroughly confused.

"I DON"T EVEN KNOW! AND NOW WE CAN"T EVEN VISIT HIM!" and the sobbing began anew.

The finch from the band came forward.

"Uhm…sir? Did you have a song you wanted us to play?"

Falco looked up from the fox that was now in his arms and glared daggers at the finch through his bloodshot eyes.

"How dare you question him! He's having a really hard time and you start-you start interrogating him? What kind of cruel communist are you?" shouted the alcohol laden pilot. (Have I made this clear yet? THEY ARE DRUNK.)

"B-but he s-said he had a s-song he wanted t-t-to sing." Stuttered the horribly afraid singer. Immediately, Falco's expression lightened.

"Really? Oh! Well then. Is that true buddy? What song are we doin' then?" Fox forgot entirely about Peppy and non existence. He jumped back to his feet and grabbed the mic from out of the finches hands.

"Hey, bandos! Yeah you guys! D'you know 'Tequila' by the Champs?" He blurted. They all nodded vigorously, and before anything else was said, the guitarist was playing an upbeat tune and the drummer was clapping his sticks together. (You should totally turn on that song at this point if you can. It fits so well with the story.) As the saxophone joined the group Falco and Fox began to dance on the stage. As one swerved left, the other swerved right. Every now and then, one would jump for the other to catch. Then the instruments stopped playing for a half second for the lyrics. Fox and Falco put on their best stalker voices and growled into the mic.

"**Tequila!**"

This would have continued on for about another two and a half minutes if Krystal hadn't found them on stage with the security guard trailing behind her, and if Fox hadn't turned around and promptly spewed forth a glittering rainbow of colorful waste onto the bass player.

"Fox! We're out of booze! What do we do now?" she panicked, entirely oblivious to the bull charging through the people behind her to get a hold of her arm. Falco attempted to roll the barrel of wine down to her, but missed and sent it crashing into the pursuing guard and popped the cork, dousing him with red wine. Upon seeing this, the team captain took it upon himself to lead the charge on this new quest.

"To the convenience store!"

Outside of the building, the three gathered at the street corner. They had left Slippy inside. He would be fine by himself anyways.

"God, it's hot as all bollocks out here." moaned Krystal.

"Well thankfully the store's right over there." Said Falco, pointing to the fuel station right across the street from where they were.

"Yeah but it was air conditioned where we just were. Maybe we should just give it up for tonight." grumbled Fox. Suddenly he was lifted up by his shirt front by two very strong blue paws.

"NO! That's what the man wants you to think! I won't let you give in Fox! Not when we're so close!"

"Close to what Krystal?"

"Close to being even drunker! Besides, I want a sandwich! We just have to adapt. So it's hot outside. Thankfully, we all dressed in layers. We're goin' topless mates!" and just like that, she tore off Fox and Falco's shirts before shedding her own top wear. At that particular moment however, Fox and Falco were too drunk to notice the sight before them.

"Charge that station!" yelled the orange furred hero as he began to run across the street.

"Can't let you do that Star Fox." Growled an all too familiar voice.

Fox turned to his left to see Leon Powolski, Panther Caruso, and Wolf O'Donnell standing outside of a pair of hover cars.

"We got called by a security guard saying they needed some heavy back up to kick out an especially inebriated mercenary who blew a .20. Well here we are. Now I don't feel like putting up with a struggle on the way home so…" at this Leon walked up to Falco and hit him hard enough in the face that he fell over unconscious.

"Wait! If you stop us now, Krystal can't enjoy her sandwich!" pleaded Fox before Wolf mirrored Leon's action.

"And Panther will take the lovely blue tulip for himself. Wonderful dress by the way. I would love to see it on you more often." Murmured Panther.

"If Panther knows what's healthy for him, then Panther will keep is paws in his pockets and his eyes on Leon's arse." Threatened the Cerinian in a voice that sounded strangely sober. Unfortunately for Panther, he didn't take the hint, and was hit squarely in the face with an empty bottle of Skull Tequila. Wolf just laughed at his teammates idiocy.

"Go on and get the bird Panther before she breaks a pair of things that you can't fix. Leon, go get the frog. I'll take these two back home. Krystal, you mind helping me with Fox?"

The other two pilots of Star Wolf grunted in assent as they went to carry the bodies back into their car. Krystal held the door as Wolf dropped Fox into the back seat of the hover car.

"So your into the security business now Wolf?" asked Krystal as she sat down in the passenger seat.

"Yeah. Pay's decent and it ain't illegal, so I don't have to worry about soiling my new record as a 'good guy'. Where to?" responded the older lupine.

"Down this street to the Spring Gates Hotel. So you're just going to drop us off at our current residence and leave us there? That's it? No attempted murder on Fox?"

"Nah. Wouldn't be quite fair. Anyways, it would ruin the paycheck. But, we are supposed to make sure you don't leave until Peppy comes and chews you out for disgracing yourselves in public. You know, you don't talk like your drunk by the way." Krystal just laughed.

"That's because I'm not."

"My contact said you blew a .20."

"I'd probably blow higher than that right now too."

"But you aren't drunk?" Krystal grinned slyly at Wolf as the car slowed to a stop outside of the hotel.

"Now Wolf, if I explained everything, you'd have nothing to learn for yourself. Where's the fun in that? Now come on and help me lug these poor bastards up the stairs. It'll be funny to see them in the morning."

_**A/N: And here we are again! Told you it wouldn't take as long this time! So the party is over, but the story has one more chapter to go. Don't give up on me!**_

_**-800M23.**_


	4. Chapter 4

**How to Escape Your Life**

**Chapter 3:**

_The Hangover_ (NOT THAT ONE)

Fox woke the next day in the bedroom of the hotel feeling like he had reentered the atmosphere from the Great Fox head first. The meager ray of light poking through the curtains was too much for him to stand. He got to his feet and almost collapsed to the floor. It was more difficult to stand than he thought. It was obvious that whatever it was he had done last night, it was probably going to have some severe repercussions in his life. He couldn't remember anything that had happened after he got to the ceremony. **That **was probably not good for his reputation. He stumbled for a moment before gingerly making his way to that god awful thing called a window. His head ache was throbbing as he looked out onto the streets around his hotel for a brief moment. Then he lost his breath, his eyes went wide, and he drew the curtains shut as fast as he could. The sudden motion made him dizzy.

"Falco!" yelled Fox, squinting at his own voice. "Falco, get up! You'll wanna see this!"

"You're waking up more than just him Fox." grunted a groggy green toad. "We're all in the same room remember? Now keep it down, I've got a head ache from last night."

"Jesus Fox," moaned Falco. "Raise the dead, why dontcha. I'm right here, whaddya want?"

"**Look. Out. Side**." stated the vulpine very slowly.

Falco rolled his eyes and walked over to the window. Slippy followed him slowly. They both drew back the shades a little bit before they had the same reaction Fox had had. Falco turned around with his eyelids so spread, Fox could barely see the red outline. Slippy was pointing at the window and trying to say one word over and over again.

"Re! Repo! REPORTERS!" he squealed. "They must be here to interview us about the party last night!"

"Oooohhh. That's the reason I'm hung over. I forgot about our "plan". Well it seems to have backfired. Now they want even more of us." Fox sighed resignedly.

They all stood there taking in the size of the trial waiting for them at the bottom of the hotel they were in. The demons had lined the streets with cameras and microphones. There was no hope of escape for the team.

_**Don't worry Fox. I'm pretty sure we don't have to worry about them right now.**_

Fox looked up from the floor as the bathroom door swung open and Krystal stepped out in her flight suit and dripping hair. She seemed very refreshed and well rested, which was odd for someone who had gotten as drunk as all of them.

"After all, no one is allowed in here until Peppy has talked to us." she continued.

"Peppy's coming? Well great. We get chewed out **and** more famous. Just perfect." said Falco, kicking a waste basket can over. "We need to get out of here. I say we get to the roof and signal ROB for a pick up."

"I'm for that plan." said Fox happily as he made his way to the door.

"Fox, I wouldn't," was all Krystal could say before Fox turned the handle and was face to face with a smirking Wolf.

"Hey pup. I'm gonna need you to close the door, turn around, and calm down. Think you can do that? Great. Get to it." the lupine said smugly, and with that he reached out and grabbed the handle on the door before sneaking in a "Have a nice day." and shutting the door.

Fox stood there in front of the door without moving. He was so confused right now that his hang over had doubled in size. He was having trouble completing full thoughts. Slippy looked over Falco's shoulder half expecting to see sparks and smoke come out of Fox's ear before he would short circuit and collapse. Falco turned to glare at Krystal.

"What the fuck are** they** doing here?" he asked lividly.

"Security detail." she explained without looking away from her hand, which she was now turning over, as if inspecting for some flaw. "They're here to make sure we don't leave, and the press doesn't come in. Don't worry. Wolf is the only one up here. Leon and Panther are down at the lobby holding the reporters outside. They decided that now that their names were clear, they didn't want to soil that record just yet. So calm down and take a seat Falco. We don't have long to wait. And Fox? Close your jaw please, it isn't quite **that** shocking yet."

Fox turned around and eyed the blue vixen sitting on the bed suspiciously.

"You seem to be pretty calm for someone who's hungover. If I recall, you should have the worst headache out of all of us. You drank way more than the rest of us." Krystal just looked up at him and grinned.

"Yeah, I did drink more than the rest of you. What of it?" she batted her eyelashes at Fox causing him to blush and Falco to laugh.

"I'm sorry dude, but that's too funny not to laugh at."

At that moment, Peppy opened the door to their room and strode in. He looked like he had just eaten the hottest pepper he could find. His face was as read as the feathers around Falco's eyes and his paws were balled into fists. At this sight, Falco's laughter died.

"And here comes the fun part…" he sighed.

"Fun part? As I hear it, you already had quite a 'fun part' last night Falco!" accused the hare. "I hear that last night, all four of you were so drunk and offensive that the ceremony you want to last night had to call a security detail to have you escorted out! I hear about public intoxication, violence, offensive language, ruined reputations, and nudity! I can not believe that Star Wolf is the one setting Star Fox straight this time! This is humiliating enough as it is without me having to pay them a hefty check! I have reporters up my ass asking me how it is that your standards have fallen so low!" He started pacing as he continued his rant. Fox started to say something but was silenced by a quick glare from the aging General.

"Not a goddamn word Fox! I am ashamed of you especially for this! How could you let your team do all of this? You're the leader here! You're the one who has to be responsible! You're the one the people look up to! But now when they look up to you, they see this!" Peppy pulled out his communicator and switched on a series of video files. "These were all over the internet!"

A brief moment later Fox and Falco were on the screen singing into a microphone and dancing like idiots. Then Fox was football hustling through a crowd in order to reach a lampshade. Krystal was beating Slippy to death with his own Skull bottle. Then finally, they were all running topless towards a convenience store.

"Oh bloody hell, I was really hoping that last one wouldn't go anywhere." muttered Krystal. As she said this, the whole team turned to look at her. Fox was blushing, Falco was holding both his hands up in a "what the FUCK was **that**?" kind of look, and Slippy was struggling to figure out where he was in this scene. Peppy just sighed and closed his eyes when he looked at her.

"Krystal, I'm not mad so much as I am confused with you. Well, scratch that. I am mad and confused. I pulled some medical information on you in case you needed to go to the hospital for help when I heard you blew a .21 half way through the party. I knew you'd be even further along the road by the time security got there."

"YOU DID WHAT?" screamed Fox. Falco's look changed to a more kind of "ZOMG!" kind of look as he clapped both of his hands onto his head and started to look around the room franticly.

"She blew a .21. She probably would have gone to a .27 had she been tested towards the end. But what I saw in your medical files Krystal, was that, as a Cerinian, you cannot get drunk. Your liver is much more developed than any other Lylatian's alive today. I suspect that this is because, with all the poisonous plants on Cerinia, you needed to be able to break down these poisons much more easily, so alcohol is no problem for your body."

"Well that explains the lack of a hang over." said Fox.

"Aww Peppy, you ruined all the fun." she said slightly disappointed.

"Well anyways, I am sorry to say that all of the dignitaries hosting all future events heard of this. They have sent their congratulations for the war through the mail, saying that some form of "business" has come up, preventing you from ever going to another celebration like this for a good long time. I really hope you're proud of yourselves. What do you say to that? I mean, really!" he said, his frustration building towards the end.

The team stood and stared. They looked at Peppy, then at each other, and then slowly a grin formed on each of their faces as a look of sadness took shape on Peppy's.

"Oh no, you guys didn't. Did you? Please tell me you-"

"YEAH!" shouted Fox as he high fived Falco. Krystal pulled the whole team into a group hug until Slippy got out and hugged Peppy.

"We did it!" cried the mechanic. "It actually worked!"

"This was the whole plan Pep." smirked Fox.

"We were kind of tired of going to all those stuffy parties with no time to ourselves. We're sorry Peppy." said Krystal apologetically.

"You may be Blue, but I ain't." laughed Falco. "No more lame ass dinners! We're finally free!"

The Rabbit just sighed. This group was just adding to the white hairs on his head. He knew he'd regret letting them off the hook, but at the same time, he couldn't help but laugh at the cleverness of the whole plan.

"Alright, alright. I can see you guys want to just get away from it all for awhile. How about I send you on a "mission" to some resort and tell all civilians that you are there to investigate a bomb threat for a week or so. Then you can stay there with the whole place to yourselves. I'll have ROB come by to lift you off the roof." He lifted a finger. "BUT, I am going to make you compensate for this. Someone is going to have to stay behind and do some community service for the first two days. Who broke the vase?"

Immediately Fox, Falco and Krystal bolted out of the room and headed towards the roof, leaving the poor toad alone with the general.

"B-but! But I!" he stammered.

"Don't worry boy. You're just hanging around with me in my office. Your job is officially my paper assistant, but mostly, I just feel like talking to someone. Being General can be kind of boring sometimes."

Fox stood on the rooftop waiting for the Great Fox to come by and take them off towards a week of relaxation. This was going to be a fun trip.

"I don't know about you," Falco said, leaning in to Fox's ear. "But this is the most excited I've ever been for a "mission".'

Fox nodded. He definitely agreed with his friend. It would be the best thing that had happened to them for a long time.

"Still, I bet you're a little disappointed, eh Foxy?"

"Huh? About what?"

"Come on. A show like that and you were to drunk to remember it? I even had a hard time lookin' away from that picture. Don't tell Katt though, she'll kill me."

"Hey man, I am not that much like Panther. I understand that she had no control over what she was doing that night."

"But you're forgetting Fox, that she did. She knew exactly what she was doing. Cerinians can't get drunk remember?"

Then it dawned on Fox that everything the vixen had done last night she had done knowing entirely of her own free will. It was weird to think that she would have it in her to go half streaking across a public road while sober.

_**Don't worry Fox. I'm sure that isn't the last time you'll see that.**_

Fox's face reddened considerably when he heard that thought. He was grateful when ROB showed up with his ship.

"Well, well, step three of our plan complete. Let's get outta here." He climbed up an extended ladder into the docking bay of the ship and waited for the others. He helped them both up before heading off to the bridge to set a course for their next event. One that he would have total control over, and he didn't plan on having any long boring speeches.

_**A/N: Hi there. I'm here to tell you all to REVIEW! PLEASE! It's like a drought of rain here, but of reviews! (cause it has in fact been raining here in Michigan). Anyways, I hope you liked this story. It was pretty good I think. But, I know that this was a comedy sort of thing. I'm now working on something much different. My next story will be much more serious.**_

_**I would like to thank all of the people who DID review. You told me what you thought, I listened, the result is the above. I would like to especially thank Cpt. Fox for Beta reading this story. Without that, I wouldn't have had most of this posted at all. If you get a chance, check out his stories "Our Escape" and "For Her". This story was actually based off of the same idea as the beginning of "Our Escape", so yeah, if you liked this, you'll like that. And if you didn't like this, you'll like that.**_

_**-800M23.**_


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